


The End of His Isolation

by KevinLazar



Series: Hiccup's Depression [2]
Category: How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Gen, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:21:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22486273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KevinLazar/pseuds/KevinLazar
Summary: After five years of pain, Hiccup loses the last shred of hope.
Relationships: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III/Astrid Hofferson
Series: Hiccup's Depression [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1617853
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	The End of His Isolation

**Author's Note:**

> Just a warning, this story is dark, but not as dark as "The End of His Pain."  
> Although there are elements of romance, it is not the main focus.

Hiccup the Useless and Stoick's Little Embarrassment, these are just some of the names given to Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third, the Heir to Berk, during the first fifteen years of his life.

Every single day, he was tormented by those around him, crushing his spirit, making him want to end the pain, but he persisted. Each day, he cried out for help, hoping that someone would notice his pain, but nobody did. Each night, he struck every inch of his arms, legs, and chest as hard as he could, savoring the short bursts of pain that came with each blow. Each night, he would fall asleep once he finally grew to tired to continue his routine.

His body was covered in so many bruises, that one could no longer tell where one bruise ended, and the next began. He had adopted this routine over the past five years of torment. Pretty soon, he had only one thing to live for: Astrid. Although he one day hoped that he could marry Astrid, for she was the most beautiful thing in the world to him, he knew in his heart that she would end up marrying Snotlout, his abusive cousin. Still, he held that last shred of hope, and that is what kept him alive for all those years.

#

As Astrid was walking by the forge one day, when she saw something lay there on the ground outside: a small leather book, with Hiccup's name on the front. She was curious about why Hiccup would have such a book, so she picked it up, and headed to her home.

As she opened it up, she realized that it was a journal. She shouldn't have continued, but her curiosity got the better of her, so she read on. The first entry had been written five years ago. It read,

_Today was a pretty normal day, I got this journal as a birthday gift from Trader Johann, the only one who remembered it this year. It is sad that the only person who remembers my birthday only sees me a couple times a year. Still, at least someone remembered._

_I sharpened Astrid's axe today, balancing the handle while I worked. I just wish that I could be with her some day, but she deserves better than me._

As she read that, she tried hard to remember ever having heard anything about Hiccup's birthday, but came up blank. She skimmed through dozens of entries, detailing how he had been beaten on almost every day, before she ran across one that made her blood run cold. It read, "

_All men will die, some will welcome the end, maybe even helping it to grow near. Others will fight, but they have reason not to die._

_A lonely man will wonder why they should even bother, but why should any of us try. I welcome the end, whether it be of my life or loneliness. I call out for help, but all seem to be blind to my pain._

_I am growing weary of my waiting, and I have begun to prepare, leaving a path for people to reconcile my life. I will try to survive, but I have left a way to find the reason why I chose to die rather than try. I have born a deal of misery, that only one shall know, but I have not done right, and I fear it may be too late._

_If the end does come, I wish for my memory to live on, to help others find another way to move past my point of weakness. I am weaker than most think, always hiding and pushing people away. The grave has been dug, all that is left is a thread of hope, something that may be unable to help me to continue, but I must keep hope right now, for that is all I have._

She had never realized that this was how Hiccup had felt. She read on, hoping that it would get better. The next entry read,

_It feels like forever since he has felt happiness, and his eyes, once bright and full of emotion, are now dark and empty, his gaze vacant, yet nobody seems to notice. He tries to call for help, but nobody seems to see the signs that he is lonely and in pain._

_His wounds are hidden to most, but the few who know seem not to care. And though he is not quite ready to give up on the last bit of hope, the time is coming when he will finally give up on his last hope._

_The end of life seems like it will be a joy compared to how his life is going alone. He feels that nobody cares, and it seems that he is right._

_The longer he goes on, the more broken he feels, and soon he will finally shatter, never able to be brought back. There is little left to do, and his plan will soon be ready to be enacted and he will finally be free from the suffering of life as he fades away._

At that, something broke inside her. She had never realized how much pain he was in until she had read what he had written.

She turned the page, finding it to be the day that she snapped at him in the arena, unable to stop herself. She found an entry stating,

_Where is it that one goes wrong that brings them so quickly to an end as the loss of a dear friend. It takes great suffering to match even a fraction of the pain such a loss brings. To suffer is human, but when you are alone, you will soon crumble and wish that you could cease to exist, for not having life is better than suffering alone._

_It is a sad thing when a man has lost hope, but nobody seems to see the signs. People may ask if you are tired, and in a way, you are, just not in the way they think. This is not the type of exhaustion that a night of rest can stop, for it feels only to be stopped in the sleep of death. In a way, it is braver to embrace death than to hope for life._

_Death is a peaceful place, never being awoken and having to face the misery of being alone. I have begun to grow weary, almost enough to change, for the one thing that gives me hope may soon plunge me into the dark. I am not afraid of the cold, but I fear that it may crush the soul of the one I hold dear. The only thing that gives me hope, the one thing that I hold so dear, never able to dislike, but unable to treat right._

_I have made my choice, one that I wish I could undo. The one that may cost me everything. I will remember when I lie, and I hope you will remember me after I die. The end may be near, but fate will determine my end. If fate will cause my end, I cannot fight, nor would I._

As Astrid read it, she choked back a sob; Hiccup was writing about how he was looking forward to his death. Every instinct told her to stop reading, but she just couldn't. She had to know what was going on. She found the next entry,

_He has begun to wonder how it went so wrong, and although he will not admit it, he knows what he did wrong. He worked up the courage to say what he needed, to ask for help, but it seems to have failed._

_His plans grow nearer as he sees more of how the world works, and how there is no hope for him. The pull of death never seems to lessen, and he wonders why he still resists. He still tries to call for help, aiming to be heard, but he seems to fade from notice, not being noticed even when people see him, and look at his cries._

_His pride will only let some know, but that may be what kills him in the end. It is amazing how much betrayal, especially by one who you have loved, can hurt you. The one he loves has heard his words, but does not seem to notice his attempts to cry out to her, and that hurts him more than he has been hurt before._

_He sees life as a prison, no more, no less, with the only release being death. He sits and watches her, hoping she will ask him if he is okay, but it feels that she will never notice his gaze, or if she notices, she does not act in response._

_His pain is great and his hope his weak, but he is not quite ready to give up hope on somebody seeing the truth before it is too late to change the path he walks._

At that point, Astrid let out a short sob, before pulling herself back together again, her body forcing her to continue.

_He is so close to being ready to enact his plan. All he has left to do is order his affairs and say farewell._

_He cannot enact it yet, for he cannot bear to break one last promise, the promise to never hurt the one he loves. As he cannot break the promise, he must ask her to release him, so he can finally end his misery._

_She still doesn't notice his calls, and he is hurt by that, but not surprised._

_To say goodbye will be hard, but to enact the plan will be so easy. His future is bleak and he has nothing left to live for. His life was a lie, he never showed anyone the whole picture. He will confide in her one last time, the only one who will know what he plans to do. It is his hope that she will help to clear off his life, to be the one he trusted to take care of what needs to be done when he is dead._

_None of it is her fault, and he will do his best to ease her guilt._

_This is the only path that seems to be left for him to take._

_As much as he lost, there is still some he has to lose. Soon he will have nothing left to lose but his life, and he will give that away._

_It is better for the world for him to die, for he only ever hurts those near him._

_Although he wants to die, he has yet to determine how he will take his life and make sure he dies. The last hope he has is not going to hold for much longer._

_If he could choose where he could die, it would be in the embrace of his love, helping him pass in peace and comfort at the end._

She saw that the next entry was from yesterday, and although she almost couldn't bear to read on, she knew that she had to in order to be able to help Hiccup.

_His life crumbles faster than ever and he is working on finalizing his plans. The plan that will end his misery with his life._

_He is preparing to write his final letters, and finish the path to help the one he will always love, even if it is not returned._

_He looks forward to his death, about to give up the last of his hope, and with it, his future. He begins to grow sad, wishing that he had not done what he did._

_He now realizes that he can no longer deny that it is all his fault. He is about to stop calling for help, knowing he doesn't deserve it._

_There is only one hope left, a single thing that might be able to convince him to live for longer._

_The life and wonder in his eyes have faded, leaving a blank and vacant gaze in their place. Nobody yet has noticed his cries for help, why should this one be any different?_

_He hates to live, for his life has been a lie. Soon he will enact his plan to die by his own hand._

_Before he can go to his death, he must apologize and say goodbye to the one he loved for all these years, assure her that it is not her fault, and that there is nothing she could have done to save him._

_This will be his chance to be released from his promise never to hurt her, and he hopes that she will grant him that last act of kindness before he leaves this world for good, by his hand as he had planned._

At that, she realized that she might have a chance, but when she turned to the last entry, that hope was shattered.

_As he finalizes his plans, he wishes a couple of things would be possible. If he could die in any place at all, it would be in the arms of his love._

_As he writes, he gazes at her, in the hope that she will finally see his empty gaze and ask if she can help, for she is the only one who could save his life._

_He will do his best to ease her guilt, for it is not her fault in any way that he chose to take his life by his own hand._

_She is so beautiful as she sits before him, not seeing his gaze. He will always remember how beautiful she is. He never deserved to have her as a friend, never treating her as he should have done._

_He begins to write his final farewells and choose how he will die._

_His dilemma is based on the pain, the speed, and the chance it will fail._

_When he finally enacts his plan, he does not want to wake up ever again, for there will be no second chance to make it through to the end._

_By the end of tonight, he shall have died in the arms of the one he loves._

Finally, Astrid could not hold back her tears any longer. She tried as hard as she could to hold back her tears, for a Hofferson never cries, but they came strong and plentiful regardless. She now realized that she had to do something, before it was too late to stop him.

#

She ran as fast as she could towards Hiccup's home that night, the cool night air tickling her skin. She carried his leather journal in her hand, hoping that it would not be too late to save him.

She bounded around the corner and ran into Hiccup, knocking him over. He held a dagger in his left hand, four sheets of paper in his right hand.

She grabbed the dagger, feeling the cold steel of the blade as it nicked her palm, and tossed it as far as she could into the night. She knew that she could not let him get to that dagger. She pulled him into her arms, holding him back as he struggled to get to the dagger.

The pieces all fell into place as she felt Hiccup relax slightly, seeming to melt into her arms. She realized that he loved her, that she was his last hope, and she wondered how she had not seen it sooner.

Finally, she spoke, "Hiccup, I know what you were planning to do. I found your journal earlier, and when I read through it, I found out that you were planning to take your life. You may think that I don't care for you, and until tonight, I didn't realize it myself. I did not realize how much you meant to me, until I learned that I might lose you. Please don't do this, let me help you."

Crying softly, his voice full of pain, Hiccup replied, "I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I was just trying to do what was best for everyone. I do not know how I will continue to live with my cousin beating me up every day."

Already thinking of what she would do to Snotlout the next morning, Astrid replied, "Let me worry about Snotlout. When I am done with him, he will never mess with you again."

#

The next day saw many changes in Berk, most noticeably, the arrival of a very beaten looking Snotlout crawling to Gothi's hut, and Hiccup and Astrid walking together through town.


End file.
